A mis mash of thoughts going around in my head....late at night.

Here I am, It is 10:00 at night and I am almost wide awake and typing on this thing. I have been up since 6:30 this morning. I was going to go running but it looked like it was going to storm and Jason has been sleeping none too good here lately. He has been congested and coughing until he gags and of course that scares me and you know you just cant get back to sleep after having your heart jump into your throat like that. So the nightly routine that we had going is not working so well. He was actually breathing better today and not coughing as much but he still acted sick (and he didnt get to crawl around much either....maybe it is the carpet that is making him act that way...hmmmmm maybe the carpet is going to go out the door.. grins). He has an appointment with his ENT specialist wednesday so maybe we will find out something.


Our first day back to school since before Jack moved in was today. It went okay. The girls have forgotten some stuff and learned some other so I guess we are about even. Alaina started handwriting worksheets and Kylie started her Phonics (Teach Your Child To Read In 100 Easy Lessons). We did two lessons and she wanted to do more but she is doing great. We have recieved some objections (very loud opiniated objections....very hurtful uncalled for objections) to our homeschooling. Especially of Jack. It is believed that he could do better in a public school...he chooses to homeschool and we choose to homeschool him. We dont have his books yet because we havent had the money to get them. We are however checking out books from the library and he is reading those and then I ask him about them and he gives me a report (see....literature and speech in one book) he has been doing stuff that I print off of the internet and we are looking at alot of sites that we find that has useful information on them and he is enjoying it. We will be going through the summer so that he can catch up on some stuff that he was behind on in public school and hopefully, he will either graduate at the same time or ahead of his public school class. He is aiming for ahead of but we will see. He wants to do good and agrees that doing a good job is more important than graduating early. He is wanting to get a job to help out around here and we told him to wait and get settled in with schoolwork first and then worry aobut a job.

I have been dealing with a lot here lately on an emotional and spiritual level. I think that I have finally (okay...almost) come down off of my post partum depression. Yes almost a year after Jason was born, I am starting to feel halfway normal again. No I did not go to the doctor with it because it cost money and we dont have it. No I did not bother my husband with the specifics,I just got grouchy and irritable and ignored him and pushed him away. I also did not deal very well with the kids. I have yelled alot more than I ever though I would, I have hid in my bathroom and bawled and I have just loaded them in the truck and went to the park. Anything to get out of the house or away from what I thought was causing me to be grouchy with them (or at them). There have been times that I have felt like I couldnt take it anymore, there have been times that I have wanted to throw up my hands and scream I quit and run out the door. There have been times that I have told Paul that I was going to town and I would be back in a little while (course I never made it bymyself because something always happens....) NO I AM NOT PERFECT!!! NO I AM NOT NORMAL!!! I come from a line of depressed people. I come from a depressed mother and a bipolar father....added with PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder...from the Vietnam War). Although my mother and father are alot better now days than they used to be, they still have depression. Edited: They are great parents as my sister points out. They are very wonderful parents. Always have been.

I have always been able to fight my depression. Growing up, I played basketball and ran and lived on a farm that had so many chores to do you didnt have time to think about being depressed. I lived there on and off until I was 21 and married Paul. Then I moved 4 hours away from my family to a place that was okay. It didnt have as many trees to go run and play in and it didnt have my family but hey, i was grown up right i didnt need to go run and play....so my depression started to slowly build...but still i fought. I fought so hard that we moved back to where my parents live and went in debt over our heads trying not to starve to death working in the family business. Depression built more......I fought more.. But I also started to rely on God (just a little bit......) and let my husband start making decisions...(see up until this point, i just thought I let him make them) So we moved back to 3 and 1/2 hours away and settled in....for the long haul.

Now we have to dig ouselves out of our monster debt, on one income. We have to put up with a crappy job because we cant afford to live on less and nobody pays as much as this job. We have to stay in the house that we are in because we cant afford anything else and it was a great steal ( its not that bad....a few too many neighbors and no trees...none.. and its not in Colorado...lol) But we are alot closer. Paul now listens to me and he tries to help. I am now....well, I am trying. Paul made the comparison of us one day of a mechanic and a carpenter. He is a carpenter, he builds things. He doesnt fix them because when he builds them they last, they dont fall apart. I was raised with my dad being a mechanic,,,,my uncles were, are, mechanics. They fixed things. I therefore want and am good at fixing things. I however cant fix myself without help and that is where my husband comes in. He is helping me to start over and build a new self worth. I now feel like I can do something about my depression.

I found a blog the other day and I can remember which one it is so sorry if I misquote. She was talking about dealing with grief after the loss of her infant daughter. She said something to the effect of it was like cleaning house and putting everything in your house out on the front lawn for everybody to see and taking one thing at a time and if you wanted it then put it back in, but if you dont, you kick it out to the curb and if you are not sure, you leave it on the lawn a little longer. That is what I have done, I have taken everything in me and kicked it out and am examining one piece at a time. I have let some things back in and some things have gotten kicked out. Some things I dont even want to deal with right now. I dont think I am strong enough to. I feel raw and weak and exposed and to tell the truth, sometimes I feel like I am still drowning. But I have support now. I have my husband who is trying his best to understand and support me and work two sometimes three jobs and come home to play with his now 4 babies.

I am so glad to have him and HIM. There is another little story to tell. Back in September, I really started to lose it. I really started to think that I wasnt cut out for all this mommy stuff. I mean, I am a selfish person just like everyone else. I was reading blogs and the women that I was reading about was getting to go on dates with their husbands and they have family to babysit and blah blah blah....so part of my fall was feeling sorry for myself. But I let it get to me. I dont have babysitters...the few family members that would babysit, well my inlaws are not in the greates shape health wise (allergies around here make them feel terrible.) so they dont feel like watching all three (especially my three) at once...(dont get me wrong, they take one or two at a time just not all three....it is a great help. I realize that now and am very grateful) the others, well it has to be on their terms and they wont watch all three either. So anyway, september to october and on into november, i was going absolutely insane...I even let it keep me from going hunting. I love to hunt but I was so bitter and upset and angry...just flat out angry that I didnt go hunting with my hubby. I left my girls with my parents in November for a week and that helped. But I was still begging God to help me. Well, miracles do happen. It just so happened that about a week after I got the girls back home, my stepson (my son) needed a place to live. My first thought was yeah he can live here, we would love to have him. Then I thought....no, i dont need anything else. Then I prayed for God to forgive me for thinking that. And I prayed for guidence on this topic. Well, Jack moved in and the first couple of weeks were rocky. But now, It feels like he has lived here forever and we are all in a routine and everything is going great. We still have rough spots, we are still trying to get used to different roles. Like for instance now instead of being the step mom that sees him whenever he comes over, I am the mom that has to tell him what to do and what not to do and to help him with his problems. Now instead of being the visiting big bubba, he is the big bubba that is here to play and have fun but also to get onto them when they dont mind or something...and he dont put up with them talking back to me...he cant stand that. Not that they do it that often but he just cannot stand it.

We are okay. I will be okay. I have started the healing process. Healing of what you may ask. The healing of years of hurt that I had buried and let fester. I stayed at my parents for a week after Christmas. During that week, (with mom helping with the kids and not having to cook unless we wanted to and not having to do laundry by myself and on and on.....you know havin help) I got to think about some things and actually work tings out in my mind. I done alot of forgiving and alot of forgetting and some remembering. Some of the things that I remembered arent pleasent and arent likely to be forgotten any time soon. But they are forgiven and I have talked to Paul about them (nothing he did by the way) and we have started the healing process of them.

Part of our deal with Jack when he moved in was that we read the Bible every night as a family. WE have not done this every night, we get busy just like everyone else and it is not habit yet. But we try. It has helped.

Along with my spiritual and physical cleaning, I have been doing alot of house cleaning. I have my zones back up and we are working on them. We cleaned the whole house (minus the office and kitchen ) from top to bottom last week. We are now on week two of our cleaning schedule and it is going okay. I have menus made up and am following them. I have school schedules for this week. They may change next week, we will see what the girls do....afterall, it is preschool.. we cant get too serious.

I have been looking at ways to make extra money. I am thinking about going back to school to get my nursing degree ( I always wanted this) but my priorities come first. I have a husband and a house and kids to take care of. It would be different if I already had my degree and could just go back to work but since I dont and nursing requires long clinical hours, I cant do this. I wont leave my kids in daycare while I go to school. If I could just go to work, I could work nights or weekends so they could be with Daddy while I worked. So I have started trying to find other ways to make money at home....any suggestions (if you are still reading this) would be helpful. I have tried some of the paid survey things. All they did was fill my inbox with junk mail. I have tried the google adsense.....nada.

I appreciate all of you who have stuck with me through this and who have left comments encouraging me along. I am still thinking of starting another (new)blog but for right now I think I will stay here. Except I am now the praying mom of 4 not 3. I wouldnt have it any other way. I would have more but my husband says he is old. God has a sense of humor though so you never know but for our finacial and my sanity sake, please pray that he doesnt find it funny to bless us with another one.

Well, It is now after midnight and I need to get up at 5:30 to get bread baking and breakfast started and do my bible reading and maybe go running before the kids wake up. Doubt that I will go running. I really need a treadmill or something.. I am working on that one though.

Just please keep the prayers and comments coming as they are really encouraging and for those of you who read this and dont comment but email thank you. you are a big help too.

and incase you cant tell, i am getting tired. I am startint to misspell and not capitalize and punctuate correctly...not like me at all.

For tonight, my novel is ended. I will post again soon.

Love and Prayers
Crystal