Gods Blessings!

In light of my precious niece Claire's upcoming birthday (Feb. 15th she will be 3), I decided to write a post in tribute to my sister. It is a post about her struggle with infertility. Or more so about how it feels to watch someone you love go through that struggle.

Julie married Charlie when I was 16 almost 17. Almost immediatly, they experienced loss. Sad loss. I remember watching their pain and their struggle and not really understanding why they were so sad and why they couldnt just try for another one. I mean I understood that it was sad that they had lost a baby but not ever being married or pregnant, I couldnt grasp that concept fully.

Over the next 7 years, I stood on the sidelines while they lost child after child. It wasnt fair. Each time, Igrieved over every loss and ached inside that I couldnt fix the problem. (Remember my post on wanting to fix everything and how I ususally could. I couldnt fix their problem.) Julie and I watched a baby story one time (The show on TLC) where a sister had carried a baby for her sister that couldnt have one. It was very heartwarming but at the same time heartwrenching. I honestly could not ever give up a child that I carried. And Julie never asked me too. And, I honestly always thought that we would do things like that together, growing up we were almost like twins. Even to this day, even though we are like night and day sometimes, I will go shopping where I live and four hours away where she lives she will go shopping and we will buy the same thing. After she got married, we would often show up to Church wearing the same outfit or the same colors or have our hair fixed the same. We still do this somehow. When we go down for a weekend, we usually end up at Church in similar clothes.

Through 7 years, only once did I experience the kind of loss that my sister has experienced so many times. I can only know a small fraction of her hurt. In 2003, I became pregnant with Kylie. My precious Kylie. Shortly before I became pregnant with Kylie, Julie silently suffered another loss. My agony over her loss and me being able to carry one was awful. The joy that you are supposed to experience when you have a child was not fully lived when Kylie was born. I was angry with God because I had been able to carry one and Julie hadnt. Remember we were supposed to do stuff like that together. I wanted so bad for Julie to have her own by that time. I did not want to have kids before her, It just wasnt right. Julie however, loved Kylie like she was her own. I know it hurt her to see me with a baby when she kept experiencing loss, but she weathered it like a champ. She was never anything but loving and kind towards me and Kylie.

God does things in his own time though, all in His precious time. When Kylie was 6 months old, Paul and I decided that another child would be nice. So we started trying. Then we found out that Julie was pregnant. A very shaky pregnancy because she had a few problems with her hormones. So we decided to quit trying and let her have her time. God again had different plans. In February of 07, Julie gave birth to Claire Victoria Rose. In March 07, just three short weeks later, we welcomed Alaina Jae Dawn. We had finally experienced something life changing together, just four hours away from each other. Kylie, Claire and Alaina are the best of friends. It was funny when we were pregnant with Claire and Alaina, if Kylie cried, they went nuts in our tummy's. Its like they were telling us that she was upset and needed us. Sometimes I wonder which kid is whose. Kylie acts so much like her Aunt Julie that in truth she ought to be hers. I have often said that she cant be like my sister because she is my child. But in truth it is nice having her here because I feel like I have a part of Julie with me everyday.

When I became pregnant with Jason, I agonized over telling Julie. We werent trying to get pregnant, He was an oops (or as my late and dear friend Wilma would have put it, God had everything to do with him. He's not an oops, he is a blessing.) Well before I could tell Julie that I was pregnant, she informed me that she was pregnant with Lily. So yet again, we embarked on the pregnancy journey together. Hers was a little more rocky than mine but in the end, God prevailed and we have two healthy wonderful almost one year olds. (Jason will be one March 1st and Lily May 1st).

Watching my sister go through this has been in a nutshell, (pure h_l_). I hope and pray that my little girls or Jason never have to watch each other go through this. I pray that Claire and Lily never have to watch each other go through it. I pray that if they do, they have the strength and the courage to tell the one experiencing it that they love them and they are there for them. I pray that they dont tell each other that It will be okay or that they can always have another one or that they should be grateful that they werent further along or that they should be glad they didnt have it and then lose it years later. I dont care when you lose your child, when it is 3 weeks into conception or 20 yrs old it all hurts, it is all an undescribable pain. And yes I was guilty of telling her some of these things. I didnt know that I wasnt helping. Now I know better. Now I just tell her that It is in Gods hands and I will Pray for her. Like I am praying now.

In light of Claires 3rd birthday, Julie and Charlie have some wonderful news. Wonderful but not expected. God has his hand in this one. He is in control. I pray for Julies safety. I pray for the Baby's safety. I pray that she carries it until God is ready for it to be born and if it is called home to God, I pray that Her Charlie and the girls are able to put it all in Gods hands.

Most of all, I pray that it is born healthy and that Julie is kept safe. I know it is in Gods hands but Please God dont let her lose this one. Dont let her be sick or hospitalized. Let her have the strength to keep taking care of her precious family and to keep being the wonderful wife and mother and sister and aunt and daughter that she is.

Julie, I am so happy for yall. I hope and pray that everything is safe. I cant wait for you to be a Mom of 3. (Its a blast I tell you) Even when they are as close as Lily and this one will be (remember Kylie and Alaina are 18mths apart and Jason and Alaina are two years apart.) Its actually more fun this way. Remember us growing up. Almost like twins. They are so cute to watch.

Congratulations and Prayers.

Love Ya Sis! (And my brother and my other kids...lol)

Keep her in your prayers will you please.

Love and Prayers
Crystal

Just Busy

I realized today that I havent posted since Saturday. Not that big a deal, just shows how busy we have been.

We have had several things going on around here. Sunday, we finished hanging sheetrock in the new Church building, so Monday, Kristy (another lady at Church) and I and our kids went up and swept and mopped up sheetrock dust. Mostly because it needed done but also because we dont want Amy to be breathing in that stuff when she comes to Church Sunday. Its not good for babies to be around that stuff. So we got that done and then Kristy came home with me and her little girl and mine played for a couple of hours while we visited. So nice to have some adult conversation. We have decided that at least once a month, we need to get together and just visit. She is about 3 years older than me and lives 30 minutes away and is very busy herself. She has three kids but the oldest two go to public school and the littlest is only 15 days younger than Alaina.

Tuesday, we had some stuff to take care of in town and then my parents came up to bring us our Christmas present. They had a cow butchered and split it between us three kids. My sisters and I all three got about 150-200lbs of beef. (Thank YOU MOM AND DAD!) WE really needed the meat. Trying to feed a teenage boy gets tough. But he is worth it.

So Tuesday evening and Wednesday morning were taken up with visiting with them. Wednesday evening I took the girls to the doctor for follow ups. Alaina is fine. Kylie still has her urinary tract infection. She is going to go to a urologist to make sure there are not any defects or anything. Probably will be fine but please pray that she is okay and it just takes a preventative antibiotic. She also has been having some problems breathing and since she had two ear infections last year and has developed more allergies, she is going to go see Jasons ear nose and throat doctor to see if she needs to have her tonsils out or just change meds. So we are going to have a very busy couple of months.

Today, I have to do menus and grocery list. Tommorow, I dont know of anything that we have planned. But Saturday, we are going to some friends in Tulsa. They are trying to sell their house and we are going to go help paint it and all that. They also have some elk heads that they have nowhere to put but they have to come down off of the wall. So we get to bring them home and put them on our wall for a while......until they get a new house built to put them in. (Very nice of them considering my kids have an elk fascination right now....lol)

Then Sunday, we are not working on the Church building but Paul has to go look at some land for work and we may go with him to look at it. We like taking long drives in the country and enjoying the scenary. And our kids are accustomed to long drives so it is actually quite enjoyable.

I am off to plan menus and coral my monsters. All this cold weather we are getting cabin fever. We love to be outside and to be cooped up like this (Not being able to just go run outside) is driving us nuts.

Love and Prayers
Crystal

NEW BABY!

I just found out that we have a new baby at church! Sammi and Josh are the proud parents of baby #3. Amy Leigh (sp) 7.5lbs, 19 3/4 in long. Sammi's dad called Paul this morning and told him she was born last night. She was supposed to be a little boy. But surprise surprise, we have another little girl. I havent talked to Sammi or Josh yet, I imagine they are tired and need the rest. So I dont know the correct spelling of the name or any details but according to Grandpa, they are doing great.

Amy has two adoring siblings, Alex and Allison, (almost 6 and just turned 4).

Please say a special prayer that everything will continue to go okay and they will have a blessed start with their new baby.

Love And Prayers
Crystal

(I guess I am kinda partial to this couple because Sammi is like all of ours adopted little sister. She is the youngest at our Church and we are all kinda protective of her. She has had some ups and downs but for the past couple of years has been doing really well and we are all so happy to see this step in their lives. I am just overjoyed for them.)

This and That.

I have been so busy the last couple of days. It has been a mad house around here. Paul has been working late so the kids and I have been trying to stay occupied until Daddy gets home. When he works late for several nights in a row, he likes for the kids to stay up at least a couple of night so he can see them and play with them. That means that they get in bed later and are grouchy the next morning. But they get grouchier if they dont see Daddy for a few days. So we have been trying to just go with the flow and do whatever comes next.

I am still not feeling the greatest from my sinus infection. Just no energy. I have been doing things to have more energy..you know like eating bananas and drinking lots of water. I also found some great exercise videos that I have been doing for the past couple of days. Its from Walk At Home . I have the three mile powerwalk. I thought I could do it all because I walk all the time. HAHA. I have done about a mile and a half so far and I have been sore every night. I love it though I can already tell places that It has worked. As far as losing weight goes, I dont know. I am not weighing. I tend to get intimidated when I weigh. Or discouraged. I am just exercising because it feels good and I get to feel better when I do it. If my clothes start falling off then good that means I am achieving past my goals. I just want to have more energy for my kids and if I get to buy smaller clothes in the process then great.

Its also neat because its not so involved that the kids cant be around me. I have the DVD player set up in my room and they either sit on the bed and watch or read books or if they want to, they get up and walk too. Jason plays in his bed with some toys while we do it. Then after it is over, I go take a shower while the girls finish watching the video (it is a 3 mile video and I only walk 1 1/2) and then we leave and Jason goes down for his nap. It is really working out well.

My husband made me cry yesterday (not in a bad way). He gets really emotional sometimes when he talks about how Christ died for our sins. Well, some people that he works with had a clock in their office that had a broke face on it...nothing bad just a crack. They asked him if he wanted it for our Church because they knew we were building a new building. He told them yeah....we would take it...we just got sheetrock up last week and havent bought a clock yet. And personally were not picky...we dont mind a clock with a cracked face and here is why and also why I cried. In my husbands words..." Everyone of us in that Church have been broken or had broken dreams at one point or another. We dont judge each other because of our broken past, why should we throw out the clock because it has a broken face, it still works. Just like us, it is still working for Christ...It just got a little detoured on the way." And you know, I cried because I can relate completely. I have been broken down, I have been cracked, I have been tossed out the door. But I am still working, I am still striving for that goal. And God hasnt given up on me. He didnt cast me out the door when I was broke, He opened his arms and said Come Home my child. They also gave him a table that is a little battle scarred. It has some scratches and some dents. But it is a good strong sturdy table. Something the kids cant push over and spill everything. We are going to use it for a communion table. But it also reminds me of me. Except I am something the kids can push over....one too many whines or one too many fights and I am falling over into the devils hands and turning evil. I need to strive to stay strong like that table and be something that the kids cant push over. That can handle all their fights and all their whining and say "Come home my child" If I was more like Christ and more patient but strong, they might not fight and whine as much.

There are some Church songs that I have been singing here lately around the house.. One of them is "Did You Think To Pray" the chorus of it is"O how praying rest the weary! Pray'r will change the night to day; So when life seems dark and dreary, Dont forget to pray" I love that. And it has been reminding me to pray often.

The other really isnt a church song but we have been listening to it alot and the girls can almost sing it by heart. "I Can Only Imagine" by Emerson Drive. It is on a praise and worship cd that we have. I love to hear my little girls sing. It usually is a mixture of Jesus Loves Me and Come Home and Imagine Momma Imagine...lol. They love to sing.

I dont really have a whole lot else going on. Just trying to stay sane in all the chaos. But for now I am going to go watch "Jungle Book 2" with my monsters (sweethearts) and then I am going to walk. Paul is working today so we dont really have get up and go that we usually have on Saturdays.

Love and Prayers
Crystal

hmmmm......

First of all, Thank you to everyone who left prayers for me. I have felt very at peace with my life the past few days....maybe because I have been sick with a sinus infection and cant really think or ponder on much. I however do believe that prayer works. It works wonders! I am not as bitter and stressed as I was. I am not completly peaceful but I am better.

Paul has been giving lessons at Church on peace and turning your life over to God and it has helped me alot. I was actually able to listen to the lesson Sunday past and hear what he was saying. Amazingly (probably because I wasnt as stressed!) my kids sat and behaved. They didnt act up, or throw fits or fight over coloring books (yes, my kids have coloring books in church....religious ones. they are very active kids and I have found that they retain more of the lesson if they are doing something with their hands. ) I put one on each side of me and Jason in my lap and they colored and read their Bibles and listened to Daddy. How do I know you ask, after services, Kylie asked me if she was Still if God would give her some peace and quiet. Alaina told her no....He would give Momma peace and quiet. But yes they do listen.

I also found a blog...I cant remember the name of it but I will try to find it in a little bit..It had a devotional on it free for download, "Create in Me a Clean Heart" A 52 week devotional. I have been reading it and since it kinda goes with my husbands lessons, it works really good (He looks up the scriptures for me....lol) No seriously, It does work because I get to think and contemplate on what I am reading and combine it with his lessons and It all fits together nicely.

About the rest of my life and house. We are doing okay. Kinda off track because I have been sick, but getting things done. Today, I have not had any energy and so I did a quick clean (er...all day quick clean) and some laundry and thats about it. We have been staying in our zones and keeping it pretty much on target. I do still have little things to tie up in the girls room (which was our deep clean area for January) and my room still some dusting to do from last week. And I still need to organize the office this week. I dusted it and stuff but I need to organize it. Since we have an extra half a week in January, I think I am going to do a little deep cleaning in each room for next week. Just you know under the beds or clean out a drawer or something. Or maybe I might tackle the office really good....lol. But we have also gone through and sorted clothes and I have alot of stuff to give away (Mom if you would come get it please....) and some yardsale stuff that I need to go through and fold and price before it goes to the shop and I have thrown away about 6 Garbage Bags full of stuff. Paul and I have been married for 5 years and some of that stuff, I havent seen in 5 years and some of it I have never seen and some of it, well..... But anyway, I have a rule around here, if we haven't used it in 6 mths, it goes out the door. If it is something that we use every 6mths to a year, then it goes in a tote in the shop so that we can get it in 6 mths. It does not stay in my house cluttering it up....

Anyway, I will try to post more tommorow but for right now, my corndogs are almost ready. Paul is working late tonight and so we are having corndogs and a movie for supper. I think that I am going to watch "A Knights Tale" . I just read today that Heath Ledger had died. I know, I know, he starred in a gay "cowboy " movie. But I still think he was a great actor and his death is so sad. He was only 28 and at the prime of his career. Just sad.

Thank You for your prayers. Please keep them up, they really do help alot.

Love and Prayers
Crystal

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

I just wanted to say a very very HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!! (late, I had a very busy day yesterday and I did call her, I just did not get it posted like I wanted too) To my MOM!

So to a very wonderful and loving mother HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

WE Love You , Crystal Paul and Kids

Prayer!

I dont often ask for help for myself. I am the type of person that takes and takes until I cant take no more! But right now, I have so much bitterness in me that I am on my knees asking for prayer! I dont want this bitterness and I dont want this anger. I just want peace. I just want to let it all go and not worry and carry this burden anymore.

Please pray for me. Please ask God to take my burdens and give me peace.

Love and Prayers
Crystal