I can do all things through Christ which Strengtheneth me. Phil. 4:13

Thursday, January 31, 2008

Gods Blessings!

In light of my precious niece Claire's upcoming birthday (Feb. 15th she will be 3), I decided to write a post in tribute to my sister. It is a post about her struggle with infertility. Or more so about how it feels to watch someone you love go through that struggle.

Julie married Charlie when I was 16 almost 17. Almost immediatly, they experienced loss. Sad loss. I remember watching their pain and their struggle and not really understanding why they were so sad and why they couldnt just try for another one. I mean I understood that it was sad that they had lost a baby but not ever being married or pregnant, I couldnt grasp that concept fully.

Over the next 7 years, I stood on the sidelines while they lost child after child. It wasnt fair. Each time, Igrieved over every loss and ached inside that I couldnt fix the problem. (Remember my post on wanting to fix everything and how I ususally could. I couldnt fix their problem.) Julie and I watched a baby story one time (The show on TLC) where a sister had carried a baby for her sister that couldnt have one. It was very heartwarming but at the same time heartwrenching. I honestly could not ever give up a child that I carried. And Julie never asked me too. And, I honestly always thought that we would do things like that together, growing up we were almost like twins. Even to this day, even though we are like night and day sometimes, I will go shopping where I live and four hours away where she lives she will go shopping and we will buy the same thing. After she got married, we would often show up to Church wearing the same outfit or the same colors or have our hair fixed the same. We still do this somehow. When we go down for a weekend, we usually end up at Church in similar clothes.

Through 7 years, only once did I experience the kind of loss that my sister has experienced so many times. I can only know a small fraction of her hurt. In 2003, I became pregnant with Kylie. My precious Kylie. Shortly before I became pregnant with Kylie, Julie silently suffered another loss. My agony over her loss and me being able to carry one was awful. The joy that you are supposed to experience when you have a child was not fully lived when Kylie was born. I was angry with God because I had been able to carry one and Julie hadnt. Remember we were supposed to do stuff like that together. I wanted so bad for Julie to have her own by that time. I did not want to have kids before her, It just wasnt right. Julie however, loved Kylie like she was her own. I know it hurt her to see me with a baby when she kept experiencing loss, but she weathered it like a champ. She was never anything but loving and kind towards me and Kylie.

God does things in his own time though, all in His precious time. When Kylie was 6 months old, Paul and I decided that another child would be nice. So we started trying. Then we found out that Julie was pregnant. A very shaky pregnancy because she had a few problems with her hormones. So we decided to quit trying and let her have her time. God again had different plans. In February of 07, Julie gave birth to Claire Victoria Rose. In March 07, just three short weeks later, we welcomed Alaina Jae Dawn. We had finally experienced something life changing together, just four hours away from each other. Kylie, Claire and Alaina are the best of friends. It was funny when we were pregnant with Claire and Alaina, if Kylie cried, they went nuts in our tummy's. Its like they were telling us that she was upset and needed us. Sometimes I wonder which kid is whose. Kylie acts so much like her Aunt Julie that in truth she ought to be hers. I have often said that she cant be like my sister because she is my child. But in truth it is nice having her here because I feel like I have a part of Julie with me everyday.

When I became pregnant with Jason, I agonized over telling Julie. We werent trying to get pregnant, He was an oops (or as my late and dear friend Wilma would have put it, God had everything to do with him. He's not an oops, he is a blessing.) Well before I could tell Julie that I was pregnant, she informed me that she was pregnant with Lily. So yet again, we embarked on the pregnancy journey together. Hers was a little more rocky than mine but in the end, God prevailed and we have two healthy wonderful almost one year olds. (Jason will be one March 1st and Lily May 1st).

Watching my sister go through this has been in a nutshell, (pure h_l_). I hope and pray that my little girls or Jason never have to watch each other go through this. I pray that Claire and Lily never have to watch each other go through it. I pray that if they do, they have the strength and the courage to tell the one experiencing it that they love them and they are there for them. I pray that they dont tell each other that It will be okay or that they can always have another one or that they should be grateful that they werent further along or that they should be glad they didnt have it and then lose it years later. I dont care when you lose your child, when it is 3 weeks into conception or 20 yrs old it all hurts, it is all an undescribable pain. And yes I was guilty of telling her some of these things. I didnt know that I wasnt helping. Now I know better. Now I just tell her that It is in Gods hands and I will Pray for her. Like I am praying now.

In light of Claires 3rd birthday, Julie and Charlie have some wonderful news. Wonderful but not expected. God has his hand in this one. He is in control. I pray for Julies safety. I pray for the Baby's safety. I pray that she carries it until God is ready for it to be born and if it is called home to God, I pray that Her Charlie and the girls are able to put it all in Gods hands.

Most of all, I pray that it is born healthy and that Julie is kept safe. I know it is in Gods hands but Please God dont let her lose this one. Dont let her be sick or hospitalized. Let her have the strength to keep taking care of her precious family and to keep being the wonderful wife and mother and sister and aunt and daughter that she is.

Julie, I am so happy for yall. I hope and pray that everything is safe. I cant wait for you to be a Mom of 3. (Its a blast I tell you) Even when they are as close as Lily and this one will be (remember Kylie and Alaina are 18mths apart and Jason and Alaina are two years apart.) Its actually more fun this way. Remember us growing up. Almost like twins. They are so cute to watch.

Congratulations and Prayers.

Love Ya Sis! (And my brother and my other kids...lol)

Keep her in your prayers will you please.

Love and Prayers

Just Busy

I realized today that I havent posted since Saturday. Not that big a deal, just shows how busy we have been.

We have had several things going on around here. Sunday, we finished hanging sheetrock in the new Church building, so Monday, Kristy (another lady at Church) and I and our kids went up and swept and mopped up sheetrock dust. Mostly because it needed done but also because we dont want Amy to be breathing in that stuff when she comes to Church Sunday. Its not good for babies to be around that stuff. So we got that done and then Kristy came home with me and her little girl and mine played for a couple of hours while we visited. So nice to have some adult conversation. We have decided that at least once a month, we need to get together and just visit. She is about 3 years older than me and lives 30 minutes away and is very busy herself. She has three kids but the oldest two go to public school and the littlest is only 15 days younger than Alaina.

Tuesday, we had some stuff to take care of in town and then my parents came up to bring us our Christmas present. They had a cow butchered and split it between us three kids. My sisters and I all three got about 150-200lbs of beef. (Thank YOU MOM AND DAD!) WE really needed the meat. Trying to feed a teenage boy gets tough. But he is worth it.

So Tuesday evening and Wednesday morning were taken up with visiting with them. Wednesday evening I took the girls to the doctor for follow ups. Alaina is fine. Kylie still has her urinary tract infection. She is going to go to a urologist to make sure there are not any defects or anything. Probably will be fine but please pray that she is okay and it just takes a preventative antibiotic. She also has been having some problems breathing and since she had two ear infections last year and has developed more allergies, she is going to go see Jasons ear nose and throat doctor to see if she needs to have her tonsils out or just change meds. So we are going to have a very busy couple of months.

Today, I have to do menus and grocery list. Tommorow, I dont know of anything that we have planned. But Saturday, we are going to some friends in Tulsa. They are trying to sell their house and we are going to go help paint it and all that. They also have some elk heads that they have nowhere to put but they have to come down off of the wall. So we get to bring them home and put them on our wall for a while......until they get a new house built to put them in. (Very nice of them considering my kids have an elk fascination right now....lol)

Then Sunday, we are not working on the Church building but Paul has to go look at some land for work and we may go with him to look at it. We like taking long drives in the country and enjoying the scenary. And our kids are accustomed to long drives so it is actually quite enjoyable.

I am off to plan menus and coral my monsters. All this cold weather we are getting cabin fever. We love to be outside and to be cooped up like this (Not being able to just go run outside) is driving us nuts.

Love and Prayers

Saturday, January 26, 2008


I just found out that we have a new baby at church! Sammi and Josh are the proud parents of baby #3. Amy Leigh (sp) 7.5lbs, 19 3/4 in long. Sammi's dad called Paul this morning and told him she was born last night. She was supposed to be a little boy. But surprise surprise, we have another little girl. I havent talked to Sammi or Josh yet, I imagine they are tired and need the rest. So I dont know the correct spelling of the name or any details but according to Grandpa, they are doing great.

Amy has two adoring siblings, Alex and Allison, (almost 6 and just turned 4).

Please say a special prayer that everything will continue to go okay and they will have a blessed start with their new baby.

Love And Prayers

(I guess I am kinda partial to this couple because Sammi is like all of ours adopted little sister. She is the youngest at our Church and we are all kinda protective of her. She has had some ups and downs but for the past couple of years has been doing really well and we are all so happy to see this step in their lives. I am just overjoyed for them.)

This and That.

I have been so busy the last couple of days. It has been a mad house around here. Paul has been working late so the kids and I have been trying to stay occupied until Daddy gets home. When he works late for several nights in a row, he likes for the kids to stay up at least a couple of night so he can see them and play with them. That means that they get in bed later and are grouchy the next morning. But they get grouchier if they dont see Daddy for a few days. So we have been trying to just go with the flow and do whatever comes next.

I am still not feeling the greatest from my sinus infection. Just no energy. I have been doing things to have more energy..you know like eating bananas and drinking lots of water. I also found some great exercise videos that I have been doing for the past couple of days. Its from Walk At Home . I have the three mile powerwalk. I thought I could do it all because I walk all the time. HAHA. I have done about a mile and a half so far and I have been sore every night. I love it though I can already tell places that It has worked. As far as losing weight goes, I dont know. I am not weighing. I tend to get intimidated when I weigh. Or discouraged. I am just exercising because it feels good and I get to feel better when I do it. If my clothes start falling off then good that means I am achieving past my goals. I just want to have more energy for my kids and if I get to buy smaller clothes in the process then great.

Its also neat because its not so involved that the kids cant be around me. I have the DVD player set up in my room and they either sit on the bed and watch or read books or if they want to, they get up and walk too. Jason plays in his bed with some toys while we do it. Then after it is over, I go take a shower while the girls finish watching the video (it is a 3 mile video and I only walk 1 1/2) and then we leave and Jason goes down for his nap. It is really working out well.

My husband made me cry yesterday (not in a bad way). He gets really emotional sometimes when he talks about how Christ died for our sins. Well, some people that he works with had a clock in their office that had a broke face on it...nothing bad just a crack. They asked him if he wanted it for our Church because they knew we were building a new building. He told them yeah....we would take it...we just got sheetrock up last week and havent bought a clock yet. And personally were not picky...we dont mind a clock with a cracked face and here is why and also why I cried. In my husbands words..." Everyone of us in that Church have been broken or had broken dreams at one point or another. We dont judge each other because of our broken past, why should we throw out the clock because it has a broken face, it still works. Just like us, it is still working for Christ...It just got a little detoured on the way." And you know, I cried because I can relate completely. I have been broken down, I have been cracked, I have been tossed out the door. But I am still working, I am still striving for that goal. And God hasnt given up on me. He didnt cast me out the door when I was broke, He opened his arms and said Come Home my child. They also gave him a table that is a little battle scarred. It has some scratches and some dents. But it is a good strong sturdy table. Something the kids cant push over and spill everything. We are going to use it for a communion table. But it also reminds me of me. Except I am something the kids can push over....one too many whines or one too many fights and I am falling over into the devils hands and turning evil. I need to strive to stay strong like that table and be something that the kids cant push over. That can handle all their fights and all their whining and say "Come home my child" If I was more like Christ and more patient but strong, they might not fight and whine as much.

There are some Church songs that I have been singing here lately around the house.. One of them is "Did You Think To Pray" the chorus of it is"O how praying rest the weary! Pray'r will change the night to day; So when life seems dark and dreary, Dont forget to pray" I love that. And it has been reminding me to pray often.

The other really isnt a church song but we have been listening to it alot and the girls can almost sing it by heart. "I Can Only Imagine" by Emerson Drive. It is on a praise and worship cd that we have. I love to hear my little girls sing. It usually is a mixture of Jesus Loves Me and Come Home and Imagine Momma Imagine...lol. They love to sing.

I dont really have a whole lot else going on. Just trying to stay sane in all the chaos. But for now I am going to go watch "Jungle Book 2" with my monsters (sweethearts) and then I am going to walk. Paul is working today so we dont really have get up and go that we usually have on Saturdays.

Love and Prayers

Wednesday, January 23, 2008


First of all, Thank you to everyone who left prayers for me. I have felt very at peace with my life the past few days....maybe because I have been sick with a sinus infection and cant really think or ponder on much. I however do believe that prayer works. It works wonders! I am not as bitter and stressed as I was. I am not completly peaceful but I am better.

Paul has been giving lessons at Church on peace and turning your life over to God and it has helped me alot. I was actually able to listen to the lesson Sunday past and hear what he was saying. Amazingly (probably because I wasnt as stressed!) my kids sat and behaved. They didnt act up, or throw fits or fight over coloring books (yes, my kids have coloring books in church....religious ones. they are very active kids and I have found that they retain more of the lesson if they are doing something with their hands. ) I put one on each side of me and Jason in my lap and they colored and read their Bibles and listened to Daddy. How do I know you ask, after services, Kylie asked me if she was Still if God would give her some peace and quiet. Alaina told her no....He would give Momma peace and quiet. But yes they do listen.

I also found a blog...I cant remember the name of it but I will try to find it in a little bit..It had a devotional on it free for download, "Create in Me a Clean Heart" A 52 week devotional. I have been reading it and since it kinda goes with my husbands lessons, it works really good (He looks up the scriptures for me....lol) No seriously, It does work because I get to think and contemplate on what I am reading and combine it with his lessons and It all fits together nicely.

About the rest of my life and house. We are doing okay. Kinda off track because I have been sick, but getting things done. Today, I have not had any energy and so I did a quick clean (er...all day quick clean) and some laundry and thats about it. We have been staying in our zones and keeping it pretty much on target. I do still have little things to tie up in the girls room (which was our deep clean area for January) and my room still some dusting to do from last week. And I still need to organize the office this week. I dusted it and stuff but I need to organize it. Since we have an extra half a week in January, I think I am going to do a little deep cleaning in each room for next week. Just you know under the beds or clean out a drawer or something. Or maybe I might tackle the office really good....lol. But we have also gone through and sorted clothes and I have alot of stuff to give away (Mom if you would come get it please....) and some yardsale stuff that I need to go through and fold and price before it goes to the shop and I have thrown away about 6 Garbage Bags full of stuff. Paul and I have been married for 5 years and some of that stuff, I havent seen in 5 years and some of it I have never seen and some of it, well..... But anyway, I have a rule around here, if we haven't used it in 6 mths, it goes out the door. If it is something that we use every 6mths to a year, then it goes in a tote in the shop so that we can get it in 6 mths. It does not stay in my house cluttering it up....

Anyway, I will try to post more tommorow but for right now, my corndogs are almost ready. Paul is working late tonight and so we are having corndogs and a movie for supper. I think that I am going to watch "A Knights Tale" . I just read today that Heath Ledger had died. I know, I know, he starred in a gay "cowboy " movie. But I still think he was a great actor and his death is so sad. He was only 28 and at the prime of his career. Just sad.

Thank You for your prayers. Please keep them up, they really do help alot.

Love and Prayers

Thursday, January 17, 2008


I just wanted to say a very very HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!! (late, I had a very busy day yesterday and I did call her, I just did not get it posted like I wanted too) To my MOM!

So to a very wonderful and loving mother HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

WE Love You , Crystal Paul and Kids

Wednesday, January 16, 2008


I dont often ask for help for myself. I am the type of person that takes and takes until I cant take no more! But right now, I have so much bitterness in me that I am on my knees asking for prayer! I dont want this bitterness and I dont want this anger. I just want peace. I just want to let it all go and not worry and carry this burden anymore.

Please pray for me. Please ask God to take my burdens and give me peace.

Love and Prayers

Monday, January 14, 2008

Not Much Time!

I had a big post planned for today but I dont really have alot of time. I have a new nephew! Hunter Paul....1-12-08 10lbs 21in. My niece Tasha is doing fine and enjoying her new son. Her and her husband Nick also have a daughter Rosie. She is almost 4.

There is also a girl at our Church that is going to have a baby anytime soon! Her and her husband have 2 kids, Alex and Allison and this one is supposed to be a boy. She had a scare a couple of weeks ago, her placenta is low and her doctor is monitoring it very closely. So please pray that she has a safe and uneventful delivery.

I am taking Jack to the bank today to get the papers on his new(used) truck. He found one that he likes and got the loan on it and everything.

I also have to get the rest of my house picked up from the weekend and get homeschool done.

Love and Prayers

Thursday, January 10, 2008

Cute Stories.

I just have several things going on in my head right now and wanted to get them typed before I forgot....yes I forget things all the time ( I blame it on having three kids and a husband... :) )

As I was skimming over blogs this morning getting my daily insight into others lives. ( I really do learn alot from reading blogs. Alot of Bible stuff and alot of homeschooling stuff and alot about being a mother.) I found several that I just have to share with you...

First, My sister had a post on her blog. It was an email that I had recieved a few weeks ago and I forwarded it as usual. But the email was very touching. I thought of posting on it but just didnt find the time to. Its called "A Baby's Hug". If you get a chance, go on over there and read it.

From Julies, I went to Jills and read her post on "Ice Cream". I loved this story. My kids do stuff like this. They say we need to pray for certain people and they give stuff to others. And times I wonder if I am doing a good enough job raising them. I know now that I am, I just need to relax and let God and kind old men and grouchy old women do their job too. Loved it. Go read....youll either laugh or cry but its good medicine.

Then, I went to Tiany's. I usually read her blog every week, I dont comment very often but I love to read it. I started reading her blog last year when I was pregnant with Jason. She had just given birth to her fourth boy. I thought "Oh My God how does she do it?" She is an inspiration and a huge help on days when I am running out of steam with my two girls and one little boy....and i have a 17 year old to help now. http://www.homeschoolblogger.com/Tiany She has a post on her son turning 1. About how she is going to enjoy every little minute of her time with her kids. "Its Not Fair..." Its not fair how fast they grow. It really is not.

I also got a kick out of this post by http://www.deanaland.blogspot.com/. "How to Get New Clothes At Target". I would never do this but you know, the kids do tend to throw up on you in the weirdest places. And with a baby anything is possible. Maybe I can get a new outfit next time I am there after all.

Jason had an all clear ear check up yesterday. We have avoided tubes for now. He goes back in six months unless something comes up between now and then. And this spring when allergies flare up again, he will probably go on another allergy med to avoid them even further.

Kylie has to go have a test done on her bladder tommorow. They want to make sure her bladder is not refluxing and causing her urinary tract infections cause she has had like three in two months and she is always drinking water. She should not have them but she does. Part of it may be her allergy med causing her to dry out but they just want to make sure nothing else is going on. Please pray that it is painless and she is okay.

I have to take Jack to go to work with his daddy tonight, they will be working late doing a side job for some extra money to pay off bills with. I also need to get busy finishing up my house work. but right now I have a sleeping baby on my lap and really dont want to get up. I'm savoring his last few months as a baby. In only one and a half more months he will be 1. Too soon, Too soon. In only two more months, Alaina will be three. And in only one more month, my niece Claire will be three. It seems like just yesterday that I was bone tired and hurting from standing all day waiting on her to get here and now she is almost 3. But I will save the details for another post I have been wanting to write for a while and maybe now is the time. We will see if it is over the next few days.

Love and Prayers

Tuesday, January 08, 2008

Food and Family

I just got my new Kraft Foods Food and Family magazine in the mail today. WOW! It has some great recipes in it. Wonderful I am going to be busy trying all this new stuff in the next few weeks. If you dont get it you really should.. www.kraftfoods.com

Love and Prayers

Monday, January 07, 2008

A mis mash of thoughts going around in my head....late at night.

Here I am, It is 10:00 at night and I am almost wide awake and typing on this thing. I have been up since 6:30 this morning. I was going to go running but it looked like it was going to storm and Jason has been sleeping none too good here lately. He has been congested and coughing until he gags and of course that scares me and you know you just cant get back to sleep after having your heart jump into your throat like that. So the nightly routine that we had going is not working so well. He was actually breathing better today and not coughing as much but he still acted sick (and he didnt get to crawl around much either....maybe it is the carpet that is making him act that way...hmmmmm maybe the carpet is going to go out the door.. grins). He has an appointment with his ENT specialist wednesday so maybe we will find out something.

Our first day back to school since before Jack moved in was today. It went okay. The girls have forgotten some stuff and learned some other so I guess we are about even. Alaina started handwriting worksheets and Kylie started her Phonics (Teach Your Child To Read In 100 Easy Lessons). We did two lessons and she wanted to do more but she is doing great. We have recieved some objections (very loud opiniated objections....very hurtful uncalled for objections) to our homeschooling. Especially of Jack. It is believed that he could do better in a public school...he chooses to homeschool and we choose to homeschool him. We dont have his books yet because we havent had the money to get them. We are however checking out books from the library and he is reading those and then I ask him about them and he gives me a report (see....literature and speech in one book) he has been doing stuff that I print off of the internet and we are looking at alot of sites that we find that has useful information on them and he is enjoying it. We will be going through the summer so that he can catch up on some stuff that he was behind on in public school and hopefully, he will either graduate at the same time or ahead of his public school class. He is aiming for ahead of but we will see. He wants to do good and agrees that doing a good job is more important than graduating early. He is wanting to get a job to help out around here and we told him to wait and get settled in with schoolwork first and then worry aobut a job.

I have been dealing with a lot here lately on an emotional and spiritual level. I think that I have finally (okay...almost) come down off of my post partum depression. Yes almost a year after Jason was born, I am starting to feel halfway normal again. No I did not go to the doctor with it because it cost money and we dont have it. No I did not bother my husband with the specifics,I just got grouchy and irritable and ignored him and pushed him away. I also did not deal very well with the kids. I have yelled alot more than I ever though I would, I have hid in my bathroom and bawled and I have just loaded them in the truck and went to the park. Anything to get out of the house or away from what I thought was causing me to be grouchy with them (or at them). There have been times that I have felt like I couldnt take it anymore, there have been times that I have wanted to throw up my hands and scream I quit and run out the door. There have been times that I have told Paul that I was going to town and I would be back in a little while (course I never made it bymyself because something always happens....) NO I AM NOT PERFECT!!! NO I AM NOT NORMAL!!! I come from a line of depressed people. I come from a depressed mother and a bipolar father....added with PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder...from the Vietnam War). Although my mother and father are alot better now days than they used to be, they still have depression. Edited: They are great parents as my sister points out. They are very wonderful parents. Always have been.

I have always been able to fight my depression. Growing up, I played basketball and ran and lived on a farm that had so many chores to do you didnt have time to think about being depressed. I lived there on and off until I was 21 and married Paul. Then I moved 4 hours away from my family to a place that was okay. It didnt have as many trees to go run and play in and it didnt have my family but hey, i was grown up right i didnt need to go run and play....so my depression started to slowly build...but still i fought. I fought so hard that we moved back to where my parents live and went in debt over our heads trying not to starve to death working in the family business. Depression built more......I fought more.. But I also started to rely on God (just a little bit......) and let my husband start making decisions...(see up until this point, i just thought I let him make them) So we moved back to 3 and 1/2 hours away and settled in....for the long haul.

Now we have to dig ouselves out of our monster debt, on one income. We have to put up with a crappy job because we cant afford to live on less and nobody pays as much as this job. We have to stay in the house that we are in because we cant afford anything else and it was a great steal ( its not that bad....a few too many neighbors and no trees...none.. and its not in Colorado...lol) But we are alot closer. Paul now listens to me and he tries to help. I am now....well, I am trying. Paul made the comparison of us one day of a mechanic and a carpenter. He is a carpenter, he builds things. He doesnt fix them because when he builds them they last, they dont fall apart. I was raised with my dad being a mechanic,,,,my uncles were, are, mechanics. They fixed things. I therefore want and am good at fixing things. I however cant fix myself without help and that is where my husband comes in. He is helping me to start over and build a new self worth. I now feel like I can do something about my depression.

I found a blog the other day and I can remember which one it is so sorry if I misquote. She was talking about dealing with grief after the loss of her infant daughter. She said something to the effect of it was like cleaning house and putting everything in your house out on the front lawn for everybody to see and taking one thing at a time and if you wanted it then put it back in, but if you dont, you kick it out to the curb and if you are not sure, you leave it on the lawn a little longer. That is what I have done, I have taken everything in me and kicked it out and am examining one piece at a time. I have let some things back in and some things have gotten kicked out. Some things I dont even want to deal with right now. I dont think I am strong enough to. I feel raw and weak and exposed and to tell the truth, sometimes I feel like I am still drowning. But I have support now. I have my husband who is trying his best to understand and support me and work two sometimes three jobs and come home to play with his now 4 babies.

I am so glad to have him and HIM. There is another little story to tell. Back in September, I really started to lose it. I really started to think that I wasnt cut out for all this mommy stuff. I mean, I am a selfish person just like everyone else. I was reading blogs and the women that I was reading about was getting to go on dates with their husbands and they have family to babysit and blah blah blah....so part of my fall was feeling sorry for myself. But I let it get to me. I dont have babysitters...the few family members that would babysit, well my inlaws are not in the greates shape health wise (allergies around here make them feel terrible.) so they dont feel like watching all three (especially my three) at once...(dont get me wrong, they take one or two at a time just not all three....it is a great help. I realize that now and am very grateful) the others, well it has to be on their terms and they wont watch all three either. So anyway, september to october and on into november, i was going absolutely insane...I even let it keep me from going hunting. I love to hunt but I was so bitter and upset and angry...just flat out angry that I didnt go hunting with my hubby. I left my girls with my parents in November for a week and that helped. But I was still begging God to help me. Well, miracles do happen. It just so happened that about a week after I got the girls back home, my stepson (my son) needed a place to live. My first thought was yeah he can live here, we would love to have him. Then I thought....no, i dont need anything else. Then I prayed for God to forgive me for thinking that. And I prayed for guidence on this topic. Well, Jack moved in and the first couple of weeks were rocky. But now, It feels like he has lived here forever and we are all in a routine and everything is going great. We still have rough spots, we are still trying to get used to different roles. Like for instance now instead of being the step mom that sees him whenever he comes over, I am the mom that has to tell him what to do and what not to do and to help him with his problems. Now instead of being the visiting big bubba, he is the big bubba that is here to play and have fun but also to get onto them when they dont mind or something...and he dont put up with them talking back to me...he cant stand that. Not that they do it that often but he just cannot stand it.

We are okay. I will be okay. I have started the healing process. Healing of what you may ask. The healing of years of hurt that I had buried and let fester. I stayed at my parents for a week after Christmas. During that week, (with mom helping with the kids and not having to cook unless we wanted to and not having to do laundry by myself and on and on.....you know havin help) I got to think about some things and actually work tings out in my mind. I done alot of forgiving and alot of forgetting and some remembering. Some of the things that I remembered arent pleasent and arent likely to be forgotten any time soon. But they are forgiven and I have talked to Paul about them (nothing he did by the way) and we have started the healing process of them.

Part of our deal with Jack when he moved in was that we read the Bible every night as a family. WE have not done this every night, we get busy just like everyone else and it is not habit yet. But we try. It has helped.

Along with my spiritual and physical cleaning, I have been doing alot of house cleaning. I have my zones back up and we are working on them. We cleaned the whole house (minus the office and kitchen ) from top to bottom last week. We are now on week two of our cleaning schedule and it is going okay. I have menus made up and am following them. I have school schedules for this week. They may change next week, we will see what the girls do....afterall, it is preschool.. we cant get too serious.

I have been looking at ways to make extra money. I am thinking about going back to school to get my nursing degree ( I always wanted this) but my priorities come first. I have a husband and a house and kids to take care of. It would be different if I already had my degree and could just go back to work but since I dont and nursing requires long clinical hours, I cant do this. I wont leave my kids in daycare while I go to school. If I could just go to work, I could work nights or weekends so they could be with Daddy while I worked. So I have started trying to find other ways to make money at home....any suggestions (if you are still reading this) would be helpful. I have tried some of the paid survey things. All they did was fill my inbox with junk mail. I have tried the google adsense.....nada.

I appreciate all of you who have stuck with me through this and who have left comments encouraging me along. I am still thinking of starting another (new)blog but for right now I think I will stay here. Except I am now the praying mom of 4 not 3. I wouldnt have it any other way. I would have more but my husband says he is old. God has a sense of humor though so you never know but for our finacial and my sanity sake, please pray that he doesnt find it funny to bless us with another one.

Well, It is now after midnight and I need to get up at 5:30 to get bread baking and breakfast started and do my bible reading and maybe go running before the kids wake up. Doubt that I will go running. I really need a treadmill or something.. I am working on that one though.

Just please keep the prayers and comments coming as they are really encouraging and for those of you who read this and dont comment but email thank you. you are a big help too.

and incase you cant tell, i am getting tired. I am startint to misspell and not capitalize and punctuate correctly...not like me at all.

For tonight, my novel is ended. I will post again soon.

Love and Prayers

What Does God Tell You To Do?

Our Lesson this morning was about obeying and diligence. We were talking about how we need to do what God tells us to do and how He tells the kids to obey their parents and us as parents need to teach our children. We also talked about how we need to do what we are supposed to do with a willing heart and not take forever to do it, just get it done and over with.

After we talked about it for a little bit, I asked them "What does God tell us to do?" Alaina's response......"Dont get in trouble..." How cute. How can you not laugh at that? But at least I know she was paying attention to some degree.

Love and Prayers

Saturday, January 05, 2008


I finally got around to taking some new pictures today. Thought i would post them. I will be back to posting before too long. I just need to iron out a few more things around here.....

Arent they just georgous? I know I am a proud momma but they are so cute....

We got their hats at Old Navy the other day for $3.50 a piece. Jack had a gift card to use and we found these and got the girls some tights and Jason a shirt..they had their kids clothes on sale for half off. I wish I had more money but that is not what I need right now so I am not going to gripe too much. God will provide. Hey, I had the money to get these and some tights too keep them warm. They love tobagans and I cant resist buying them even if they have a dozen already. you never can find the same one twice in this house. lol.

I have been accomplishing alot her lately. It dont really look like it but we have. After today, It is back to my Zone cleaning schedule. I still need to deep clean my kitchen but that will come when I have time. I am not going to take the time away from my kids to get it done. And here lately they have needed me more than the kitchen.

I hope everyone had a Merry Christmas and A Happy New Year.

Love and Prayers